The stories we tell ourselves as kids are the partial, somewhat distorted worldview we adopted when we were young based on our dominant Enneagram Type. These views are not whole-world views; they are one ninth to be precise. They take into account the temperament we were born with and the ego that we developed out of necessity to ensure our survival through infancy, childhood, and adolescence. And we carry them into adulthood.

When we look at our story, we know it is only partially true, and even what’s partly true is malformed and limiting. It’s not the whole story, it’s not reality as it is, yet we run the narrative as if it is. We are constantly trying to sustain that defective, incomplete narrative. As intelligent, capable human beings, it is surprising that we do that, but our story is so ingrained in us that it needs no conscious effort from us to run. It is deeply embedded in our values, beliefs, and how we see ourselves. It’s on auto and continuously running without us being aware.

TYPE ONE

It’s not okay to act badly or make mistakes. The world judges you by how well you behave and how correctly you do things.

It’s important that you are responsible, orderly, and diligent.

You must catch your errors before someone else does.

You need to have high standards for yourself and others.

What’s important is striving to be a good, honest person who tries hard to do what’s right.

You need to be compliant and in control so things work out as they should.

That is how I will feel loved: by doing the right thing, by not screwing up and never being slipshod, by committing to improvement, and by being a really good kid.

TYPE TWO

It’s not okay to put yourself first. The world judges you on what you do and what you give to others.

Connection with your friends and loved ones is what’s important, and you show that by always putting their needs before your own.

People may not like you if you appear needy. It’s important to be liked.

Being caring, affectionate, self-sacrificing, warm-hearted, and generous is what matters. You have to strive to be loving in order to be loved.

That is how I will feel loved: by helping and giving to others, by focusing on what they need, by making their lives better, and by showing them how much they need me.

TYPE THREE

It’s not okay to let people know what you really think or see who you really are. The world judges you by how much you accomplish and what you achieve.

It is important to figure out what people expect of you so you can give them what they want.

Being seen as competent and successful is key, and to do that you need to be able to adapt.

Value and self-worth come from being admired and recognized, especially by your friends and family.

That is how I will be loved: by anticipating expected outcomes, by not failing and performing really well, by being a winner, and by making myself into whatever the situation calls for.

TYPE FOUR

It’s not okay to be like everyone else, to be ordinary. The world judges you on how real you are and how different you are from everyone else.

You need to spend time thinking deeply.

Other people have something you don’t; somehow, you were missed when it was handed out.

What is important is that you find what’s missing – that way, you will be whole; that way, you’ll just be you and show everyone that you are one of a kind.

That’s how I will feel loved: by finding my missing piece, by showing the world how unique I am, that I’m cut from a different cloth, and they don’t make that fabric anymore.

TYPE FIVE

It’s not okay to think that there is enough of everything to go around, that people will respect your boundaries and not demand too much of you. The world judges you on how much you know and understand, and how much you master.

The world is unsafe, you must be vigilant to prevent becoming depleted.

Competency is what’s important.

When things are difficult it is better to retreat to figure everything out in your head so you do not have to feel empty.

That is how I will feel loved: by understanding reality and being competent, by being undemanding, unassertive, by being analytical and knowledgeable, and by caring and knowing what’s what if things go wrong.

TYPE SIX

It’s not okay to be complacent or believe that the world is a safe place. It’s not ok to trust yourself. The world judges you on how well you listen, pay attention, and figure things out.

Seek guidance and support from those who know more than you.

Danger is everywhere; no one knows what is around the corner.

You must be on guard. You need to be alert.

What’s important is to think ahead and plan for things that might happen or go wrong.

That is how I will feel loved: by anticipating worst-case scenarios, by being responsible and dutiful, by being loyal and trustworthy, by planning ahead, and by guarding against dangers and catastrophes.

TYPE SEVEN

It’s not okay to think negatively about yourself or spend time fretting over things that could have been better. The world judges you on how much control you take into your own hands and staying upbeat and positive regardless of the circumstances.

It is important to avoid dwelling on bad things or bad feelings that are uncomfortable, tie you down, or make you feel stuck.

The thrill of anticipating what you will do next is a better space to be in.

That is how I will feel loved: by being imaginative and bringing enjoyment, by keeping the dark side hidden and encouraging people to join my adventures, and by always bringing the fun.

TYPE EIGHT

It’s not okay to rely on other people, you need to be independent. The world judges you on how strong you are, it’s not ok to show weakness.

The world is a dangerous place, you must protect yourself, only the strong survive.

It is important to not shy away from conflict, you don’t have to start the fight, but you must always finish it.

Anger is armor for your heart, if you don’t show your heart people can’t hurt it.

That is how I will feel loved: by being self-sufficient and direct, by standing up for myself and protective of those I love, by being tenacious, decisive, and by never being a wimp.

TYPE NINE

It’s not okay to upset the status quo or engage in conflict by being assertive or bringing attention to yourself. The world judges you by how well you go along to get along.

Merging and deferring to what other people feel and think is what’s important for stability and harmony.

You need to be tolerant, friendly, and noncompetitive.

What you think and feel doesn’t really matter; it’s better if you forget yourself and become invisible.

You are not the priority. Peace is.

That is how I will feel loved: by being sensitive to others, pleasing them instead of myself, by not making waves and being self-effacing, and by personifying that it’s nice to be nice.

The nine stories are part of the teachings of the Youth Enneagram Program. They are one of four aspects we explore in the very important work of understanding how our type structure is held in place.

The four aspects include:

1. Our World View – The Stories We Tell Ourselves as Kids

2. The Idealized Self – How we want to see ourselves and how we want to be seen by others

3. The Hidden (Shadow) Self – How we do not want to see ourselves and how we do not want others to see us

4. The Defense Mechanisms – The ‘glue,’ as Helen Palmer describes it, that holds it all in place.

    The Youth Enneagram Program Website: www.youthenneagramprogram.com

    Monica Hunter, founder of the Youth Enneagram Program, was inspired to create the program after realizing how profoundly the Enneagram could have impacted her life if she had learned it earlier. By understanding herself and others, she could have fostered greater compassion and acceptance. This realization fueled her passion to make the Enneagram accessible to young people, especially those facing challenges. With the help of mentors, creative collaborators, and her family, the program was born.

    Monica’s career spans over 30 years as a Human Resource Manager in various industries, both in the US and abroad. She is the proud mother of three grown sons and grandmother to two beautiful grandchildren.. Now in a new phase of life, Monica is focused on giving back through work that has meaning and the potential to make a difference.